As I was Saying…Or circular thinking :)

Not Good enough…

I wrote this 2 years ago.  I never published it based on my own insecurities. I am stronger now and the kids are older. We have learned a lot since then and still, some still holds true.

I am a single mom. I have 4 kids (3 teens and one tween) and 2 jobs.  I am tired. I am more than tired, I am haggered. And I keep moving forward. I keep doing what I am doing. My kids are content and healthy. They have all their needs met within reasons.

I know I do all these things. I know they are loved, I am loved and we have a good life.

BUT…..as most parents feel, am I doing enough. Add that I am doing this alone, I often self doubt with the I am not good enough.  I know it is negative thinking and I am so much better about it than I used to be at the beginning of the single parent journey.

There is too much information coming at all of us, every day of how to be a better parent, life hacks to manage things and so on. Add the divorce tips and the judgment out there, it is no wonder there is doubt if I am good enough.

What I have learned…

I can only do what I can do.  I have worked hard to not compare myself to others and how they handle things. I have

October 1 is coming

October 1st is coming upon us. This year is a big day for my children, a marathon fundraiser for their school. Three years ago it was one of the biggest and saddest days for me. My beloved father, Francis J. Died.

I remember doing laundry and the phone ringing. It was Mom and I knew I would call her back in a few minutes. Little did I know. My phone rang again, Mom and Dad’s number. I answered. My sister, Laura was on the phone and told me Dad died.  I cried and hugged Moira and told her that Grand pa died, honey.

I saw my neighbor out my door and I stepped out, crying. I told her and she dropped her bag and ran to me and gave a me a hug. She sat with my girls as I walked numbly to Mom and Dad’s house. It was all surreal. I miss Dad every single day.

My kids talk about him. Even Lorelei, who was only three at the time, talks about missing him.

We used to walk the neighborhood and would always stop to visit. Dad would joke with them. He would give them hugs and tease them. I remember when  Lorelei was a baby he told me, hand over my granddaughter. And he held her and snuggled her. Aislinn was so young at the time when he died. She was only 5 months old. He would hold her and she would touch his face. My only regret is I have no pictures of her with him.

Lorelei’s repeated the  phrase  “Granpda died with honey”. It perplexed us until we realized that she heard me say “Grandpa died, honey”  to Moira. Her three year old brain deciphered that as Grandpa died with honey.

Her other way in processing is that we needed to change Grandpa’s batteries and would not be dead.  She will still bring it up and how much she misses him.

So, three years later, and the loss is still so real. Such an empty space. I miss his advice, his Irish pride, his smile, his gleeful laugh while clapping his hands at something he finds incredibly amusing.

FJ was tough. He spoke his mind. He was strong in his convictions.

October 1, 2008 – a day to never forget, a man to always remember.